The Art and Ethics of Stealing From Smiley, by Josh Benson

DISCLAIMER; This piece is intended for entertainment purposes only. It is not recommended that any persons reading the article take any of the suggestions expressed in the article itself. The views expressed by the author do not reflect the views of the website in which this article is published.

Shoplifting from a Wal-Mart does not meet most people’s personal criteria, however, for any logical, tax paying, law abiding citizen of the United States, this statement remains very true.

The reasons to steal from a Wal-Mart are convincing to say the least. In fact, they may even encourage you to take back what’s yours. You will find that you will be in a Wal-Mart store soon enough, with those extremely fun first rising vibes of a law breaking excitement building in your gut, like when you were a kid or pre-teen. Remember the feeling? Throwing that first egg at a house, or maybe the first time you slashed a tire and made a run for it. This time will be different because even if you get caught, you will feel justified, the punishments brought down on you will feel like a victory call telling the Wal-Mart that you are not afraid of those limey bastards! Then again, you may feel none of that intensity from this article at all.

Clearly, I am not one who sees this as a mere petty attempt at obtaining what you want, the idea that shoplifting from Wal-Mart can be seen as a call to arms against the ugly foe that is present before us. Not to mention the well deserved treasure of items awaiting willing hands at the nearest Wal-Mart.

Here is the issue that Walmart presents, by which our government is very aware seeing how this comes from a report done by the Democratic Staff Of The Committee On Education And The Workforce, in 2004:


-$36,000 a year for free and reduced lunches for just 50 qualifying Wal-Mart families.

$42,000 a year for low-income housing assistance.

$125,000 a year for federal tax credits and deductions for low-income families.

$100,000 a year for the additional expenses for programs for students.

$108,000 a year for the additional federal health care costs of moving into state children's health insurance programs (S-CHIP)

$9,750 a year for the additional costs for low income energy assistance.

This information would make it seem as though Wal-Mart is government institution. Just like a government agency, tax payers are dishing out their earnings for Wal-Mart employee health care, food, utilities and rent. Think of Wal-Mart as being called The Federal Department of the Wal-Mart, sort of an off shoot of the US Department of the Treasury and the IRS. In a round about kind of a way, this means;


Do the math; with $420,750 worth of merchandise available at each Wal-Mart and with the 3700 Wal-Marts located everywhere across the US of A; that's $1,556,775,000 of your needs taken care of, all you have to do is go and pick it up.

Perhaps treat your local Wal-Mart like your pantry, or hall closet. You deserve it, paying as much as $50 on taxes that ultimately go towards health care and government welfare programs, that should well constitute your share in the hygienic/snacking needs department. Need some deodorant? While you’re on the way toward the personal hygiene kingdom, which most likely constitutes an area larger than your home, stop by and pick up a bag of chips on the way, maybe even a delicious bottle of apple juice.

Still not feeling it? Wal-Mart as a company pulled in a new sales record of $312 Billion, and took away $11.2 Billion net profits for 2005. And believe me, it’s not as though that money sees very much good in the world. Neither from its heirs, its corporate officers or as a company itself. Here are some numbers that will make looting a Wal-Mart feel very justified.

A) The WALTON FAMILY* Has Given LESS THAN 1% of Their
Wealth to Charity

*Bill Gates has given 58%

B) A WAL-MART Worker may donate money from their paycheck to the CRITICAL
NEED FUND, a program to aid other employees in times of crisis, like a fire or tornado.

In 2004, WAL-MART Employees gave OVER $5 MILLION to help fellow workers
The Walton Family gave $6,000

Wal-Mart officially states that the typical Supercenter raises gives $30,000 to $50,000 a year to local charitable needs ranging from youth programs to literacy councils.

"That's because most [fundraisers and] gifts are tiny: thousands or even hundreds of dollars to churches and Lion’s clubs and Boys and Girls clubs... such gifts are often followed by demands for public subsidies and tax breaks. "(Liza Featherstone, "On The Wal-Mart Money Trail,", The Nation,
November 21, 2005.)

In the coming five years, the Wal-Mart health care crisis has an estimated growth of over $2 billion a year by 2010, costing American taxpayers an estimated $9.1 billion over those next five years. Take into account Wal-Mart's publicly stated goal of expanding by 1,500 new stores, the lack of governmental aide in busting up Wal-Mart like a modern day Standard Oil and the apparent blindness of public awareness, the pantry's door is wide open, take full advantage.

As long as the Walton family owns 36% of the world’s largest and most profitable retail corporation, they will continue to be worth at and above a collective $90.8 Billion. With this kind of scrilla lying about, don't start thinking that there isn't a war going between the aristocracy of America's extremely wealthy and the middle class. So if it’s war the Waltons want, it will be war the Waltons get.


Anonymous said...

stealing is immoral

Brian said...

It is unclear if the above comment is referencing the "stealing" Wal-Mart does or the "stealing" that the article jokingly recommends. It should be noted that the article is not seriously recommending one steal from Wal-Mart. I believe the article is using the notion as a device to point out the author's feelings on how Wal-Mart creates a sort of double standard by "stealing" but not wishing to be stolen from. Whether or not the claim is true is subject to further discussion, which I welcome.

Anonymous said...

I fear you might be an idiot. Do you think that Wal-Mart created those poor emplyees? Seriously, where do you think they came from? They came from the lack of a social safety net that we have in this country, if Wal-Mart didn't employ them, no one would, and they would cost the taxpayers even more.

Seriously, how do you figure that Wal-Mart costs us. Next time consider logic before you write.

annie said...

And tell me how this compares with the other big box retailers. You are not using your data properly if you are not measuring it against like retailers across the market. And am I reading this right? Your piece seems to advocate for shoplifting if it is done from a Walmart. Try substituting a different retailer and see how your sounds. Stupid. like the entire essay. Rather than haning on the old worn out "Walmart Sucks" slogan embraced by wannnabe activists and go latch on to something real. There's alot more pressing issues in the world than your misguided opinions regarding walmart. Check it out folks.

Anonymous said...

WOW... I'm not sure others picked up on the thoughts behind what you said. I don't believe you were encouraging theft/shoplifting. I believe you were trying to enlighten the audience of the cost of doing business the way Wal Mart does. Yes, other companies do it too. I sense frustration and anger in your words but I don't get the "WAL MART Sucks" Annie mentions. Personal responsibility is a good thing, I'm not sure "social safety nets" always are. I wonder if Wal Mart's way of doing business is a resulting part of the larger change in thinking that has occurred in American values in the past 30-40 years. The change in thinking being 'It's all about me and never the greater good'. Just a thought.

The Author said...

Geez, whatever happened to having fun in this world? I m the author of this, and I wrote it as somewhat of a satire about Wal-Mart...

It is a joke, but more then that I wrote it as the above stated, to open some eyes about the wrong doings of the corporate culture in America.

Our nation is in a crisis right now, and this crisis has to do with run away capitalism. The Wal-Mart Corp is just the perfect poster child.

Now as far as me being an "idiot?" I've been labeled much worse, and it wasn't true then as me being an idiot is not true now. The real idiot is the person asking "seriuosly, how do you figure wal-mart costs us?" Didn't you read what was written in this essay;


If you aren't an American tax payer, then your right, Wal-Mart isn't costing you a thing.